3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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