I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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