Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
