She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
