Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
