Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
