Pants 0. Shit 1.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
