I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
This house was built for laser tag.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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