I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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