Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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