As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
