i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize