It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
