True but thats because hes a fetus.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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