i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
