ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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