She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
