I'm jealous of your bromance
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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