Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
