I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
