You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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