i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
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I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
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I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away