neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
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she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
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No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on