Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
