There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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