Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
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