Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
