i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
