I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
