Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
