im drinking this country out of the recession.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
