shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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