I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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