Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
