Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
