Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
