Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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