so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
