maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
