I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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