Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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