Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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