Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
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Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
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you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize