bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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