My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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