The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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