Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
