So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
That accounts for only three of the penises
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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