I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
