Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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