I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
you win again, gameday.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
