I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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