Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
