Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
