Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
