Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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