Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
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based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
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Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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